Jumping = Life


Day 4 – A Story in a Single Image


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Today I needed to pick a photo out of four and use it as a starting point, a springboard into a story, poem or personal thoughts.  All four photos had things I could say about them yet this one spoke to me in a way the others did not.

There is such care-free abandon in that jump, such freedom, such joy.  It makes me happy that there is such joy in the world and yet at the same time it makes me feel so sad and so lonely.  Moments like that seem so rare in my life, my life which feels so controlled and worried about.  I want that type of feeling, I want to gleefully leap into pools, dance down the street and laugh with my friends.  I want to feel such freedom rather than the feeling of constraint and tension that seem to accompany my day to day life.

Wanting and doing though are two very different things.  The very things that mean my life feels it is missing these moments are the very things that put barriers up to stop me moving towards such a place of, if you’ll excuse the language, not giving a fuck and grasping life with both hands.  Every movement towards a life that will bring me joy seems to be so hard fought, involves such effort.  And I am tired, tired of this constant battle with myself.  The me that is so scared, so worried, so doubting vs. the me that sees such joy, such fun, such pleasure in the world and wants it in my world.  There needs to be some agreement, some compromise…because that person in the photograph, that is me, I can feel it deep inside.

Anxiety and laughter are not mutually exclusive (daily post prompt)

Headshot taken by Colobus Yeti Photography

Photo by ColobusYeti

People often seem surprised that I have anxiety with the occasional side helping of depression as they often will see me smiling and laughing.  I use the word ‘surprised’, perhaps sometimes disbelief is more appropriate to describe what I see in their faces or hear in their voices.  It seems that to some people unless you are sad or panicked 100% of the time, you clearly cannot have any difficulties and are simply exaggerating or making it up.

Well I do chuckle, I do laugh, I do enjoy things…and I do have anxiety that at times has been fairly crippling.  I do little in my life that is not affected by my anxiety yet, just as someone seriously ill can find fun and smiles in their life, I can also find plenty to bring laughter to my life.

So don’t judge the photos I post on my social media and think ‘things clearly aren’t that bad’.  Those photos are the happy moments in my world, the times when things seem good and not bleak like life can sometimes be.  I choose not to share on Facebook or Instagram when times are tough not because I want my life to appear wonderful, I do it because for me that is not the place.   And I’m not really sure a photo of me laying on the sofa aimlessly staring out of the window would actually be that interesting…

It is said laughing is good for the soul and it certainly does help mine.  It reminds me how much good there is in this life.  Laughter and anxiety are not mutually exclusive states.

Chuckle