And we change.

Boots on slatted wooden bridge

Photo by Redd Angelo on Unsplash

We feel as if we stay the same. Yet we change. We change all the time. Often in little ways. Changes so small they pass unnoticed. Life is change. 

Sometimes the change is so big, it blindsides us. Makes us question who we are, have been and will be. Rocks us to our very core, shattering and knocking us off balance.

We change.

Sometimes behind a big change lies a big reason. A big loss be it death, heartbreak, work or any other of the multitude of ways in which loss makes its presence in our lives. Forcing us to revaluate, rebuild, renew.

And we change.

Sometimes it is the little things that do us in. We are undone in the whisper of a moment. The lyrics of a song, a scene in a film, a spoken conversation about nothing and everything, a caught glimpse, a stray thought. We may not even know it at the time. Until we unravel.

And we change.

Sometimes the answer for what or why is unknown. It just happens.

The question is – what are we going to do about it?

A need for control

Control is a funny old thing.  The feeling of needing to control every aspect of my life (and if I am being honest aspects of other people’s lives too) has been something that I have lived with for many years.  My anxiety tells me that if I can do this, I will worry less.  Yet I know this is a lie, trying to control things has bought me nothing other than more anxiety when I couldn’t control things or when I felt I couldn’t cope with everything I ‘needed’ to do.  It has damaged relationships with others and bought me nothing other than unhappiness.  I try not to and am much better at letting life happen unplanned yet I still catch myself doing it, beat myself up over it….and repeat.

What though if I can change how I see this need for control?  What if I can see it as an ally, as something I can use rather than as a negative that I want to fight against.  If I can accept that I am responsible for how I feel, think, behave and act (and I do believe that I am), think what I can do with with a little control in those areas.  It becomes a tool to push me, to drive me to take charge and change the aspects of myself or my life that I am not happy with.  I can use that control to develop new habits, to achieve things I want to and have the sort of life that I want rather than view myself as a passive person desperately trying to control what happens to me.

Now I know that there are things outside of my control and there always will be.  I can do nothing about that other than coming to terms with it and working on good old acceptance.  I am though in control of me and starting to realise that with that, I can change my world.