Roadblocks

Road closed signs

It has taken me many years to feel quite how much writing means to me. The release it gives to the jumbled tangled inner me.

Let’s not go into quite how many years…am kinda feeling my age at the moment and wondering where time has gone.

Anyway back to the writing…

The thing that has made me really understand its importance is how fragile I feel when at times like this I haven’t written anything for a while. Like I can barely hold it all within me.

I haven’t written here or in my ‘daily’ writing (which maybe should be renamed my occasionally-when-I-feel-like-it writing) for nearly 3 weeks. And I don’t like it,

So why am I doing this to myself?

Sometimes it is because I have too many ideas, too many things that I need to get out. One thing you don’t give me is choice. My anxiety makes me question everything. Which idea do I write about? Will I do a better post on this idea or that one? And so it goes on until I choose nothing. I run away from the tight feeling in my bones.

You see. This is one of my skills. I build up roadblocks because I am scared. Because life seems so damn tough and against me that I hide. I do nothing so I don’t fail. So I don’t have to face up to the effort and vulnerability that my choices may bring.

It is a skill I could do without.

My new blog has become one of these blocks. Yep that new site I started talking about way back in May. I was so excited at the idea of having a new blog, my very own self-hosted blog. And then this depressive episode hit. Along with so many things, my enthusiasm for my new site vanished. Progress has been painful. And it has stopped me writing. I want to save my ideas for it. So I do not move on with the blog and I do not write. I am stuck.

So I do nothing. My pen has stopped moving, my fingers no longer tapping.

It needs to stop. I cannot lose this. I refuse to lose this. Where is my sledgehammer? There are some roadblocks to be taken down.

1 week to 1 new website. Fact.

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Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

 

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When it slips away

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I woke up this morning, dragged myself out of my cosy camper bed, to sit out in the cold, because I felt the urgent pulling need for a sit on my own.

A sit to write in.

And now I am here.

I don’t know what needs to come out. Something does. I can feel it. Pushing out against my skin, put pressure on every single atom of me. There is an urge so strong that I am sitting here writing frantically, desperately trying to drag it out of me.

What is it? What am I trying to say? What needs to come out?

I can feel it slipping away, dissipating inside me as I watch birds flit over the Scottish fell.

* I wrote this last week whilst camping in Scotland. It kinda captures the pull of writing, the pull of being on my own. And the agony when the writing slips away *

Strolling and Street Art in Sheffield

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We went to Yorkshire Cosplay Con in Sheffield a few weeks ago so Phillip could do his thing and take lots of awesome cosplay photos (check out his ColobusYeti Instagram feed to see some of his work!). He got two press passes so I went along as the plus one. Now I like a little manga, anime and sci-fi, 2 days of it though is kinda not my thing. So one of the days I took myself exploring the streets of Sheffield so I could see some of its famed street art. Visual art means lots of photos and not so many words…a change from many of my posts. Hope you enjoy!

 

Charles Street:

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Brown Lane:

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Brown Street:

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On the wall of the Rutland Arms

 

Sidney Street:

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Even the skips are arty!

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Sylvester Street car park:

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Arundel Street:

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Here I found a suitable arty place to stop for lunch called ‘The Holt‘ where I had a rather scrumptious TLT (smoked tofu, lettuce and tomatoes with vegan mayo) and a lovely soy cappuccino.

 

 

Street art is not for everyone and some will see this as plain old grafitti possibly. I’m not a fan of someone simply lazily spraying their name without any real effort put in to it. This though felt like it gave character and life to this part of Sheffield and I for one loved it.

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Harry Brearley – inventor of stainless steel

 

 

‘Everyday Inspiration’: wrap it up

Finally I have escaped the dreaded work deadline that has been hanging over my head and sucking up all my time these last couple of weeks! So I am back and ready to blog. First up, here’s that summary I promised on the Everyday Inspiration course I finished what seems like months ago now…


Day Twenty: Wrap It Up


And now, the end is near…yep it is the final day of the ‘Everyday Inspiration’ course that I have been doing over here on lovely WordPress.  Funnily enough they have made the last task a wrap-up piece, a look back over the course…never saw that coming…

I choose to take part of my curiosity about some ‘whats’ ~ what do I want from my blog, what I do want to write about and what direction or focus do I want to take?  Sprinkle in a few ‘whys’ ~ why do I write and why do I blog? ~ and that gives you a glimpse of the me that started this course.

It has given me both answers to those questions and at the same time given more questions about how and why I write and what I write about.  Stretching my writing muscles and trying new things has been an interesting experience.  I have not always been brave enough or pleased enough with the results to publish what I have written, I have though written and learnt **

Has taking part in this made me a better writer or blogger?  I don’t really know and maybe it is not for me to decide.  I am not even sure I would be able to answer, I would be too busy looking at what could be better or what I feel is still missing…the damn perfectionist in me hasn’t quite let go yet despite my efforts.  It has certainly given me ideas and shown me blogging doesn’t have to be simply spilling out word after word from my over active mind.

All tasks taught me something, either about my writing or about myself.  These three are the ones that go ‘hey I was really special though’…

Home is Everywhere and it is Anywhere – based on the single word ‘home’ this piece struck a chord with me and with people I shared it with on social media, it reminded me how home is not one building or place.

Dear Tokyo, I miss you– writing a letter to something rather than to a person is a style of writing that was completely out of my comfort zone and I so nearly backed out of it.  I didn’t and was really rather chuffed with the result.

If we were having coffee right now… – This task introduced me to a new way of writing and I loved it!  I will probably introduce it to my blog as a more regular feature.

So now the course is over and what comes next?  A little part of me is concerned that without the focus and prompts given by the course I may lose my way.  Right where’s that positive hat I don’t wear often enough?  Okay found it, yes I may be a little concerned but what sort of anxious person would I be without some worry?  Worrying is nothing new to me.  Accepting that and with my little hat on, I will continue to write, explore new ideas and share my thoughts with you all.  The focus and style for this blog will come together in time, my little thoughts will find their big voice.

**I may have missed a couple of tasks out…**

Short words ~ Day Thirteen: Play with Word Count


“Come come! Come Out!
From bogs old frogs command the dark
and look…the stars”

Kikaku


The task for Day 13 was to try the opposite of how you normally write in terms of length.  Now I normally write quite longish pieces (I always quite liked the opportunity to write a nice long essay…didn’t appreciate the stress that normally went with that opportunity though!) so short writing it was today.

I used to write (bad) poetry when I was younger and you can’t get much shorter than the Japanese poetry style of haiku.  The standard structure is 5-7-5 syllables in western terms and I did follow this..until I went all rebellious on the last one.  I was in two minds over whether to post these and decided to in the end as evidence to myself that I can try new things.  Read, enjoy and laugh at my poor attempts at this amazing form of poetry…

 

Outside my window

Birds sing, getting their nests ready.

New life in spring time.

 

Crashing of the waves,

Storm brewing, turmoil inside

Seeking peace somewhere.

 

Worries, thoughts, what ifs

Head is jumbled, body is tense

Looking for release.

 

Blue skies, clouds rolling

Day for dreaming, fleeting life.

Time to be living.

 

Turning away, avoiding all the eyes.

Need some space.  Life overwhelms.

 

If you’d like to see some examples of traditional haiku, take a look here.  Have you ever tried writing a haiku poem?  I would love to see them!

If we were having coffee right now…


Day Eleven: A Cup of Coffee


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Image from Pixabay

Another day, another new style of writing to try out and I am quite liking the idea of it.  It is a virtual coffee date between me and you, a time to share what I have been up to and have a catch up.  So I have settled down with a cup of coffee (with oat milk today) and looking forward to my date with you.  Grab a drink, a chair and let’s share (ooh that rhymed!)

If we were having coffee right now, I would tell you I have started jogging…again.  Yes I know I have tried it before with varying degrees of success.  This time though I am determined to give it my best shot.  I woke up this year to the need to look after myself better.  I changed to a plant based diet and am always working to improve my mental health so exercise was next on the list.  Jogging is free and we don’t have much money at the moment so the running shoes are back on.  I will have to let you know how I get on.

If we were having coffee right now, I would tell you about all the tasty creations I have been making since I changed to a plant-based diet and how much I love making ‘buddha bowl’ type meals.  You would probably be astounded when I tell you I can make yummy mayonnaise with chickpea liquid and gooey tasty cheese with potato and carrot.  I would tell you how I have now heard the ‘what do you eat?’ question and that thankfully I have not yet experienced any of the negativity that some vegans seem to encounter…so far…

If we were having coffee right now, I would tell you that slowly and surely our plans for mobile working seem to be coming together.  Our microstock portfolios are growing and so is the income from them.  I would excitedly tell you that someone is actually paying me to write things for them and then confide my doubts about whether I am actually any good at this writing business.

If we were having coffee right now, there would be news to tell you about my blog. How I am looking to moving to a self-hosted blog, how I have lots of ideas for how it will look and how I am being held back because I think a name change is in order.  I would explain that the name inspired by my button jewellery business no longer seems quite right but how confused I am about choosing a new name that reflects what me and my blog is becoming.  We would chat about ideas and hopefully inspiration would strike!

If we were having coffee right now, I would ask how are you?

A Place to Write


Day 6 – The Space to Write (everyday inspiration)


In my head I dream of having a writing desk or a favourite coffee shop where I can tap away and be inspired to write many great things.  The reality though is….well….shall we say slightly different.  Most of the time I sat on my comfy sofa perched at one end, sometimes cross legged and sometimes stretched out balancing my tablet on my legs.  Always though at the same end facing the big window looking towards the bird feeder.  And that is exactly where I am now.

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photo from pixabay…not my sofa…I wish that was my floor…it is gorgeous!

It is by no means perfect, I am often slightly uncomfortable and frequently disrupted by Phillip telling me bits and pieces from what he is reading or by birds coming and going to the feeder.  It is though my spot.  It is where I write my thoughts, where I tell you of my adventures, where I talk of my life with anxiety.

That is not to say that I am fixed to this spot and could not write without it.  I have written perched on a tree stump in a forest, tapped away in a Starbucks (*other coffee shops are available*) or sat in my little camper.  To get attached to a spot is no longer in my nature.  The plan is to write wherever and whenever.  For now though this is my morning spot, the place I write before the day’s adventures begin and life takes me elsewhere.

For a future task coming up, I need some ideas from my readers on what you would like me to write about…pop your idea in the contact form below if you have something you would like me to write about.  Thank you!