October Earworms

When I wrote my first Earworms post back in August, it was a one-off. A curiosity. Nothing more. Seems like my brain had other plans though. Something in the examination of the near constant music I hear in my head, the whats and the whys hooked me. So I continue to pay attention, scribble them down and ponder.

Indulgent? Perhaps. Fascinating for no one other than me? Maybe. Am I going to carry on. You bet.

The songs I list here. These are the ones that stick. The loiterers. The ones that won’t let me go. That sometimes speak to the very core of me. Not the ones that flit in and out of my head like a constantly re-tuning radio.

They often seem to reflect my mood. Frequently low, melancholic with a side order of angst. Occasional bursts of enjoyment, love at the brilliance of life. Sometimes simply songs that say ‘hey-I-am-going-to hang-around-and-bug-the-hell-out-of-you-just-for-the-fun-of-it’.

Alongside the ever present thrum of Tom Hickox, the sounds in my head and occasionally (unfortunately for those present to hear) sung out loud last month included:

Kids by MGMT – I adore this song. I hear it, I smile…even when it is on repeat in my head. Which happens surprisingly often. For some reason this time, I found myself hooked by the lyrics ‘Decisions are made and not bought. But I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot. I guess not’. Why I have no idea.

Sweet Disposition by Temper Trap – It kinda reminds me of me right now. Moving between long, slow, low moments and bursts of energy where everything feels alive. A recurrent earworm that dips in and out of me. That reminds me not to ‘stop till it’s over’.

Low by Cracker – a real blast from the past this one. Heard on 6 Music (best radio station ever!) and then in my head for the next week. From back in 1993, it bought memories from my misspent youth. Of dancing on sticky club floors, of feeling like I could do anything. Could be anyone. Of life before so much went wrong.

Shout Out to My Ex by Little Mix – rare example of a earworm that I don’t actually like. Annoyingly it is one of those songs I simply have to hear or see its name for it to be rampaging with glee around my head. If I hear it, it sticks. I couldn’t even look it up to link to it for the fear of what it would do to me. Every year Strictly Come Dancing dumps unwanted tunes in my head – why oh why did it have to do this to me though?

One thing I did notice from my taking stock of my earworms is the influence my recent rash of binge watching has had. Soundtracks have literally become my soundtrack.

I missed the little gem of zombie awesomeness that is In the Flesh when it was first shown on BBC 3. I discovered it whilst on a trail of seeing what Emmett Scanlan has been in (my current method of choosing what to watch. Follow the trail of an actor like I am walking the yellow brick road). Anyway I digress. The music of Keaton Henson lays amongst and between the episodes. His work is not for the happy amongst us. It is raw and melancholic, full of sadness and uncertainty. Much like me. My head flicks through his songs with relative frequency and is haunted by 3 in particular – You, Flesh and Bones and Charon (*trigger warning – song and video deal with suicide*).

My biggest binge watch has left me with some serious earworms and a desire to feel the beat of heavy bass in my bones again. I loved the UK version of Queer as Folk and gave into my curiosity as to whether the US would simply be a poor imitation that I wouldn’t want to watch. I was wrong. I love it. And I love the music. I had forgotten how alive ‘thumpa-thumpa’ music makes me feel, the deep urge it provokes to move my limbs.

I couldn’t decide whether to share the songs or the clips for the earworms from this show. I went with clips in the end as it is the show versions I hear in my head. Be aware that the show was a LGBT adult drama and you *may* not want to watch them at work …

You Look So Fine by Garbage – a brief yet intense earworm. A brief yet intense (and ever so slightly filthy) clip.

High School Confidential by Carole Pope – a poptastic tune, saucy lyrics and a scene involving a young man dancing and eventually stripping to his pants. Makes me smile, want to dance (though thankfully not to strip) and probably one of the most persistent earworms I have had for some time. Odd.

Absurd by Fluke – definitely the most filthy of the clips, this song though is awesome and its beats pulse through my head frequently. Turns out I have owned the album it is on for years yet never remember hearing it before. Foolish!

Earworms = mood at the moment. The lively ones that make me want to pull some shapes appear when I am not deeply low. Keaton is there the rest of the time. The likes of Little Mix…well I have no explanation for them. Much like my moods…

This will (hopefully) be the last post on this blog as my new blog is nearly up (exciting! and running. Fingers crossed we are nearly good to go.

 

Photo by Mark Solarski on Unsplash

 

 

Roadblocks

It has taken me many years to feel quite how much writing means to me. The release it gives to the jumbled tangled inner me.

Let’s not go into quite how many years…am kinda feeling my age at the moment and wondering where time has gone.

Anyway back to the writing…

The thing that has made me really understand its importance is how fragile I feel when at times like this I haven’t written anything for a while. Like I can barely hold it all within me.

I haven’t written here or in my ‘daily’ writing (which maybe should be renamed my occasionally-when-I-feel-like-it writing) for nearly 3 weeks. And I don’t like it,

So why am I doing this to myself?

Sometimes it is because I have too many ideas, too many things that I need to get out. One thing you don’t give me is choice. My anxiety makes me question everything. Which idea do I write about? Will I do a better post on this idea or that one? And so it goes on until I choose nothing. I run away from the tight feeling in my bones.

You see. This is one of my skills. I build up roadblocks because I am scared. Because life seems so damn tough and against me that I hide. I do nothing so I don’t fail. So I don’t have to face up to the effort and vulnerability that my choices may bring.

It is a skill I could do without.

My new blog has become one of these blocks. Yep that new site I started talking about way back in May. I was so excited at the idea of having a new blog, my very own self-hosted blog. And then this depressive episode hit. Along with so many things, my enthusiasm for my new site vanished. Progress has been painful. And it has stopped me writing. I want to save my ideas for it. So I do not move on with the blog and I do not write. I am stuck.

So I do nothing. My pen has stopped moving, my fingers no longer tapping.

It needs to stop. I cannot lose this. I refuse to lose this. Where is my sledgehammer? There are some roadblocks to be taken down.

1 week to 1 new website. Fact.

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Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash