A need for control

Control is a funny old thing.  The feeling of needing to control every aspect of my life (and if I am being honest aspects of other people’s lives too) has been something that I have lived with for many years.  My anxiety tells me that if I can do this, I will worry less.  Yet I know this is a lie, trying to control things has bought me nothing other than more anxiety when I couldn’t control things or when I felt I couldn’t cope with everything I ‘needed’ to do.  It has damaged relationships with others and bought me nothing other than unhappiness.  I try not to and am much better at letting life happen unplanned yet I still catch myself doing it, beat myself up over it….and repeat.

What though if I can change how I see this need for control?  What if I can see it as an ally, as something I can use rather than as a negative that I want to fight against.  If I can accept that I am responsible for how I feel, think, behave and act (and I do believe that I am), think what I can do with with a little control in those areas.  It becomes a tool to push me, to drive me to take charge and change the aspects of myself or my life that I am not happy with.  I can use that control to develop new habits, to achieve things I want to and have the sort of life that I want rather than view myself as a passive person desperately trying to control what happens to me.

Now I know that there are things outside of my control and there always will be.  I can do nothing about that other than coming to terms with it and working on good old acceptance.  I am though in control of me and starting to realise that with that, I can change my world.